I am who I am because of who I'm not

There comes a time in life when everyone has to stand back and ask themselves "What am I going to do?" It can relate to anything- a simple problem at work, deciding what to order in a bar, but my personal "What am I going to do?" moment will always be where my life's going. For me, "What am I going to do?" always relates to my future. Am I going to stick with the job I've got, or am I going to try and find something different? Am I always going to stay living in the same town that I've lived in for most of my life? Hence, "What am I going to do?" is more of a philisophical question.

Normally, I'm very happy to just stumble along and make decisions as and when life throws them at me. But somewhere things have changed for me recently. I've realised that I need to start thinking more long-term and stop living for the moment, that I've actually got to start planning things. I need to start thinking about long-term, tax-free saving accounts. I need to think about investing in stocks and shares, so that I can build myself a nestegg for when I finally retire. I have to seriously think about these things instead of just doing something because it was a "good idea at the time". Something in my head's recently told me that just won't cut it anymore. I have to be responsible for myself, and for my future.

This is where my statement of originality in the blog title comes in. The reason I've never planned ahead^* is because that's what other people do. I'm not other people. I am who I am because of who I'm not. I've said it for years. Planning is for the others. Those who are scared to be spontaneous and daring.

What brought this on, you may ask. You can ask all you want, because I can't give you an answer. I've just had this nagging thought in my head that things won't be like they are now forever. I need to re-evaluate my life, my talents, my hobbies, my plans. Everything needs to be looked at for me. Because I've somehow realised that I'm no longer an individual, I'm another faceless drone working for other people that don't appreciate or understand me, and that my life has the option of not being a string of successes, but being a string of failures. I failed to make my writing stand out. I failed to make my drawing stand out. I failed at getting a half-decent job. I failed at making this blog stand out. I failed at making and keeping friends.

I failed.

Two words I never use in conjunction with myself, but that's the sad truth. I failed myself, and now I'm just a regular person, doing regular things, and I'll never be able to live the life of someone that actually done something with their life, as it's no longer possible for me to actually do anything. I've not got anything that makes me stand out. I'm normal, and I now realise that.

But despite that, I'm still me. I'm still who I am because of who I'm not. I still like to think that I'm a good person. I still like to think that I've touched at least one person in my life with my work. But until I know that I've done that, I'm going to have to be happy with being adequate.

*I'm talking about a major time period, such as years, as opposed to weeks or months.