I'm no stranger to controversy, or to even taking the path of highest resistance just to annoy people, but what I'm about to say is not an attempt to troll anyone.
I actually hate Adele.
I'm going to type that again just so that people can realise that it isn't a typing error.
I actually hate Adele. Seriously. I hate her songs, I hate her music, I hate the fact that she's shoved down our throats every hour of every day and I hate the fact that people think she's the biggest and best thing to happen in the music world.
Adele's songs are so uninspired it isn't funny. Yes, she comes up with some nice lyrics, but it's not exactly "Give peace a chance" is it? I'm not saying that all songs need to have some kind of deep, philosophical meaning, but it's the fact that her songs don't seem to have a message at all. The song that gets played the most is "Someone Like You" (I think that's what it's called, I couldn't be bothered to go check) and it's the most depressing, dreary, non-rhythmic pile of crap I've heard in a long time. Not since Phil Collins unleashed his brand of crap-pop on the world that people lapped up have I felt this embarrassed to be part of the human race. Adele has conned everyone into thinking that she's a fantastic musician. She's not.
She has a nice voice, but that's about it. Her voice is not the kind of voice that I would hear playing in a record store and it would make me stop everything I was doing to find a member of staff to find out who it is. Her voice isn't outstanding. She's no Bob Dylan, let's put it that way.
I know people are going to say that I'm just jealous, and this is all sour grapes. I'm sure there's a little of that, but I dare anyone to look at someone successful and not feel even a slightly bit envious of them. There's probably going to be people who would say that I don't like songs with a sad message. This isn't true- I'm a fan of Gotye's "Someone I Used to Know", for a start. That song's got a depressing undertone, but it's been made in such a quirky and offbeat way that it's fun to listen to. Adele's "Someone Like You" is just her sitting at a piano hitting random chords attempting to get everyone else upset. Gotye took a song with a similar undertone but actually attempted to make it a bit fun. When was the last time you heard a chart topping song make a prominent use of a xylophone?
At the end of June Adele announced that she was pregnant- this means that, all being well, she should stay out of the recording studio for a while as she attends to the baby. Chances are that she'll just hire a nanny and go back to how she was, but hopefully, her bringing a new life into the world should lift her spirits a bit. Hey, she may even make a song that you can listen to without wanting to slit your wrists afterwards.
I really hope that she doesn't lose the baby, firstly because I wouldn't wish that on anyone; secondly, if she does, it'll probably make her songs even more upsetting than they were, if that's at all possible. And no doubt every single person in the world will say something along the lines of "You can hear the pain in her voice" or "She's showing her human side" or some bullcrap like that.
To be honest, her songs are probably all "daddy didn't love me" issues. In my brief research, I found out that her dad left the family home when Adele was three. Maybe he had a vision of the future in a dream and thought to himself "Fuck that, I'm not getting involved!" and thus ran. Therefore, we can realistically come to the conclusion that Adele's music is a cry out for being upset about her daddy leaving her when she was young.
Someone on Twitter said they's love for Adele and Eminem to have a relationship, just to hear the break up albums. Adele's would be wallowing in self pity, and Eminem's would just be a massive "Fuck you" to Adele. When us "normal" people have some bad news or go through a break up, we don't force our sadness onto others. What makes Adele any different? Because she was in the right place at the right time to break into the music business why does that allow her to act any differently to the rest of us? I do give her credit for not taking the TV talent show route, but I get the impression she didn't do that because the producers of the show(s) decided she wasn't marketable enough, wanted to perform her own songs and, frankly, wasn't what they were looking for. No-one wins TV talent shows by being downbeat and trodden, they win them by being happy(ish) and energetic.
So, long story short- Adele bad, anyone with even the slightest hint of positive emotion good.
This has been for your consideration.
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
Rebooking the 2011 Summer of Punk
If anyone really knows me (and I mean really knows me) then you'lll know that I'm a fan of pro wrestling. Yes, I know that it isn't real and it's all scripted, but so are movies and TV shows, yet we all still watch and enjoy those, don't we? Same shit, different smell.
In the summer of 2011 CM Punk cut a scathing shoot style promo, basically bringing to light all the things he hated about the company at the time. Because it was a shoot style, it wasn't scripted, it wasn't approved by anyone within the company, and it was his own words and thoughts.
The direction the company decided to take in the athermath of this was to take CM Punk off TV for a week then bring him back a week later for a televised contract negotiation. The following week was when CM Punk won the world title on a pay per view program (Money in the Bank), then he left the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment). He made a couple of appearences on TV shows before returning to the WWE, losing the title then going into a storyline with two older wrestlers- Triple H and Kevin Nash- then went nowhere. Thus ended the Summer of Punk 2011.
The WWE missed out on a huge opportunity to gain extra fans for their product. I started thinking to myself- I could have done a better job at writing this storyline. To use the correct term, I could have booked it a lot better. The first thing we need to establish is where the story went wrong. Up until Money in the Bank, there was nothing wrong- CM Punk was getting huge crowd reactions, and the people were ready and willing to see him win the title, just so that the WWE poster boy John Cena would get taken down a peg or two. This is where I start to change things around.
CM Punk's title had legitimately expired, but because we're playing smart here we would get Punk to sign an extension and make damn sure that no-one knew about it. That way, when he wins the WWE title and "leaves" everyone thinks that it's the real deal- his contract really has expired, he's really leaving the company and he's really taking the WWE title with him. It's impossible to deny the fact that Punk knows about the other wrestling companies besides the WWE- he mentioned them in his shoot, so we now let him start making bookings with these companies to appear and wrestle matches. This means that he'll be going to smaller shows with smaller crowds with the WWE title around his waist. He's effectively spreading the word of the company and showing people what their wrestlers can do. Hell, you can even have Punk say that he'll defend the WWE title at some of these shows- so you could have the Ring of Honor (ROH) champion against Punk for the WWE title- however, you make sure that Punk says that he won't drop the title, but he'll make the company's champion look good- you can have a match that looks like it could go either way, but Punk would eventually prevail. That's up to the performers to decide, though.
Meanwhile,at the Legion of Doom in the WWE, you have John Cena come out on the first TV show after Money in the Bank, and he's distraught. He's just lost the WWE title to a man that's left the company, and they took the belt with them. The one thing that Cena held dearest to him isn't around any more, and there's nothing he can do to change that. At this point, the owner of the company comes out (or whichever authority figure you prefer) and tells Cena to shut up and be a man about it. The WWE is going to do what they've always done- adapt and move forwards. That's why, as of the following week, there's going to be an on-going tournament to crown a brand new world champion. Cena says that's all well and good, but it doesn't change the fact that the WWE title is no longer in the company. The authority figure then tells Cena that he has to start looking ahead to making the future of the company better, which sends Cena over the edge. He says that there can't be a future without the WWE title, and starts destroying the ringside area, until security manage to get him out the building. There's then a commercial break while the ring crew make some makeshift repairs, and the show goes on without any further mention of Cena.
The following week, the participants are announced. Something very similar to this was done already, but the real life tournament was held over two nights, with Cena eventually winning the title despite not even being in the tournament. The eight participants in real life were (and don't worry if you don't recognise the names) Dolph Ziggler; Rey Mysterio; Jack Swagger; Ron Killings; Kofi Kingston; Alberto del Rio; The Miz; and Alex Riley. Rey Mysterio won the tournament but for some reason Cena was given a title shot on the same night that Mysterio won it, obviously winning the title back, which was when CM Punk made his return.
I would have the same people in the tournament, but I would have it run for three weeks- you have the first set of matches the same week as the competitors are announced, the semi finals the week after and the finals the week after that. The first week is where Cena comes out and demands to know why he isn't in the tournament. This is where your chosen authority figure says that due to Cena's attitude problem, he's been excluded from the tournament and suspended with immediate effect. So Cena storms off again, Mysterio wins the WWE title via the tournament, without a thing heard of Cena. The timing would be so that the tournament final would be on the SummerSlam pay per view event- a guarantee for a new champion would most likely get some ticket sales and home buys, especially with the absence of John Cena, a man who a lot of older viewers legitimately hate.
While all this is going on, Punk's been making himself busy- wrestling for the independent companies and making them some money while doing some black ops PR (as it were). The first show he appears in after SummerSlam, he should cut a promo after his match, basically saying how he's the real WWE champion and how Mysterio is a pretender to the claim. Then all of a sudden, John Cena runs through the crowd, leaps the barrier and attacks Punk. You'd obviously have to let security know so they don't try to stop him, but they'd drag Cena off Punk and eject him from the building.
This is where we get creative. There just so happened to be a WWE fan in attendance who just so happened to be recording Punk's promo and the subsequent Cena attack who just so happened to send the video to the WWE who just so happened to show the video on their next TV show.
Read between the lines, people.
So now this serves the purpose of making the WWE fan base aware of Punk again, and making them aware that Cena's willing to do anything to get the title back. You get Cena literally chasing Punk around the country- every show Punk's at, Cena's there. The smart thing to do would be to not have video of it every time, otherwise people would start to smell a rat. But this would start to agitate Mysterio, who believes that this means that Cena doesn't hold his claim to being champion seriously. So Mysterio challenges Cena to a match for the WWE title at the Night of Champions pay per view, and at the same time, lifts his suspension. The following week, Cena appears on WWE TV and accepts the challenge, and stops chasing Punk. This angers Punk, saying that Cena would rather chase a paper championship than attempting to win the real thing, which he owns.
So at Night of Champions, Cena wins- exactly the same time Cena won the title back from Punk in the real life storyline. Obviously that hasn't happened here, as Punk still has his title, which he's still defending across the country, and now Cena has his. So we have two WWE champions running around, both with a legitimate claim for the title. This way both champions look strong.
This is where we throw in a wild card. At Money in the Bank, Alberto del Rio won a contract that allowed him to challenge the WWE champion to a match, any place, any time. So instead of him challenging Cena, he goes to a show CM Punk;s wrestling in and challenges him instead. You have Punk accept and Alberto wins via shenanigans. Alberto has his PA tape the match so that when they go back to the WWE they can play the tape and state that Alberto's claim is legit. So now both WWE titles are in the WWE. This is when CM Punk goes back to the WWE and begs for his job back so he can get his rematch. This is why when Punk returns, all the crazy demands he made during the live contract negotiation didn't happen- he had to go back on them to get his job. He challenges Alberto to a rematch, which he states is a clause in his contract, but Cena comes out and says that you can't have two WWE champions running around.
Punk then suggest that the following pay per view, Hell in a Cell, is perfect for them to decide things- a triple threat Hell in a Cell match to decide the undisputed champion. In real life, this was the same match line up in the same kind of match for the WWE title at the same time. Alberto del Rio won the real match, but because this is a fantasy situation, we're going to have CM Punk win by pinning Cena, simply because he's going into the match with nothing to lose- therefore, he's logically going to want to win the most, and sometimes sheer determination is enough to win.
This allows Cena and Alberto fight over the number one contendership before the next pay per view, Vengeance. Punk could threaten to leave again with the title, but the authority figure would state that if Punk does then he'll be in breach of contract. So Punk has no choice but to stick around. You can then push Cena up to number one contender so you've got the good guy/bad guy dynamic while they fight over the title, and Alberto can then move on to feud with someone else over the number one spot. You keep the title on Punk, simply because that makes the title mean something. If a champion can beat off different challengers, not only does it make the champ look good, it also gives the title value, as less people hold it over a period of time.
And thus ends our little trip through fantasy land. I'll no doubt be spending some time looking through the archives to try and find another storyline that I think I can improve upon, but until then, insert your favourite closing statement here.
In the summer of 2011 CM Punk cut a scathing shoot style promo, basically bringing to light all the things he hated about the company at the time. Because it was a shoot style, it wasn't scripted, it wasn't approved by anyone within the company, and it was his own words and thoughts.
The direction the company decided to take in the athermath of this was to take CM Punk off TV for a week then bring him back a week later for a televised contract negotiation. The following week was when CM Punk won the world title on a pay per view program (Money in the Bank), then he left the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment). He made a couple of appearences on TV shows before returning to the WWE, losing the title then going into a storyline with two older wrestlers- Triple H and Kevin Nash- then went nowhere. Thus ended the Summer of Punk 2011.
The WWE missed out on a huge opportunity to gain extra fans for their product. I started thinking to myself- I could have done a better job at writing this storyline. To use the correct term, I could have booked it a lot better. The first thing we need to establish is where the story went wrong. Up until Money in the Bank, there was nothing wrong- CM Punk was getting huge crowd reactions, and the people were ready and willing to see him win the title, just so that the WWE poster boy John Cena would get taken down a peg or two. This is where I start to change things around.
CM Punk's title had legitimately expired, but because we're playing smart here we would get Punk to sign an extension and make damn sure that no-one knew about it. That way, when he wins the WWE title and "leaves" everyone thinks that it's the real deal- his contract really has expired, he's really leaving the company and he's really taking the WWE title with him. It's impossible to deny the fact that Punk knows about the other wrestling companies besides the WWE- he mentioned them in his shoot, so we now let him start making bookings with these companies to appear and wrestle matches. This means that he'll be going to smaller shows with smaller crowds with the WWE title around his waist. He's effectively spreading the word of the company and showing people what their wrestlers can do. Hell, you can even have Punk say that he'll defend the WWE title at some of these shows- so you could have the Ring of Honor (ROH) champion against Punk for the WWE title- however, you make sure that Punk says that he won't drop the title, but he'll make the company's champion look good- you can have a match that looks like it could go either way, but Punk would eventually prevail. That's up to the performers to decide, though.
Meanwhile,
The following week, the participants are announced. Something very similar to this was done already, but the real life tournament was held over two nights, with Cena eventually winning the title despite not even being in the tournament. The eight participants in real life were (and don't worry if you don't recognise the names) Dolph Ziggler; Rey Mysterio; Jack Swagger; Ron Killings; Kofi Kingston; Alberto del Rio; The Miz; and Alex Riley. Rey Mysterio won the tournament but for some reason Cena was given a title shot on the same night that Mysterio won it, obviously winning the title back, which was when CM Punk made his return.
I would have the same people in the tournament, but I would have it run for three weeks- you have the first set of matches the same week as the competitors are announced, the semi finals the week after and the finals the week after that. The first week is where Cena comes out and demands to know why he isn't in the tournament. This is where your chosen authority figure says that due to Cena's attitude problem, he's been excluded from the tournament and suspended with immediate effect. So Cena storms off again, Mysterio wins the WWE title via the tournament, without a thing heard of Cena. The timing would be so that the tournament final would be on the SummerSlam pay per view event- a guarantee for a new champion would most likely get some ticket sales and home buys, especially with the absence of John Cena, a man who a lot of older viewers legitimately hate.
While all this is going on, Punk's been making himself busy- wrestling for the independent companies and making them some money while doing some black ops PR (as it were). The first show he appears in after SummerSlam, he should cut a promo after his match, basically saying how he's the real WWE champion and how Mysterio is a pretender to the claim. Then all of a sudden, John Cena runs through the crowd, leaps the barrier and attacks Punk. You'd obviously have to let security know so they don't try to stop him, but they'd drag Cena off Punk and eject him from the building.
This is where we get creative. There just so happened to be a WWE fan in attendance who just so happened to be recording Punk's promo and the subsequent Cena attack who just so happened to send the video to the WWE who just so happened to show the video on their next TV show.
Read between the lines, people.
So now this serves the purpose of making the WWE fan base aware of Punk again, and making them aware that Cena's willing to do anything to get the title back. You get Cena literally chasing Punk around the country- every show Punk's at, Cena's there. The smart thing to do would be to not have video of it every time, otherwise people would start to smell a rat. But this would start to agitate Mysterio, who believes that this means that Cena doesn't hold his claim to being champion seriously. So Mysterio challenges Cena to a match for the WWE title at the Night of Champions pay per view, and at the same time, lifts his suspension. The following week, Cena appears on WWE TV and accepts the challenge, and stops chasing Punk. This angers Punk, saying that Cena would rather chase a paper championship than attempting to win the real thing, which he owns.
So at Night of Champions, Cena wins- exactly the same time Cena won the title back from Punk in the real life storyline. Obviously that hasn't happened here, as Punk still has his title, which he's still defending across the country, and now Cena has his. So we have two WWE champions running around, both with a legitimate claim for the title. This way both champions look strong.
This is where we throw in a wild card. At Money in the Bank, Alberto del Rio won a contract that allowed him to challenge the WWE champion to a match, any place, any time. So instead of him challenging Cena, he goes to a show CM Punk;s wrestling in and challenges him instead. You have Punk accept and Alberto wins via shenanigans. Alberto has his PA tape the match so that when they go back to the WWE they can play the tape and state that Alberto's claim is legit. So now both WWE titles are in the WWE. This is when CM Punk goes back to the WWE and begs for his job back so he can get his rematch. This is why when Punk returns, all the crazy demands he made during the live contract negotiation didn't happen- he had to go back on them to get his job. He challenges Alberto to a rematch, which he states is a clause in his contract, but Cena comes out and says that you can't have two WWE champions running around.
Punk then suggest that the following pay per view, Hell in a Cell, is perfect for them to decide things- a triple threat Hell in a Cell match to decide the undisputed champion. In real life, this was the same match line up in the same kind of match for the WWE title at the same time. Alberto del Rio won the real match, but because this is a fantasy situation, we're going to have CM Punk win by pinning Cena, simply because he's going into the match with nothing to lose- therefore, he's logically going to want to win the most, and sometimes sheer determination is enough to win.
This allows Cena and Alberto fight over the number one contendership before the next pay per view, Vengeance. Punk could threaten to leave again with the title, but the authority figure would state that if Punk does then he'll be in breach of contract. So Punk has no choice but to stick around. You can then push Cena up to number one contender so you've got the good guy/bad guy dynamic while they fight over the title, and Alberto can then move on to feud with someone else over the number one spot. You keep the title on Punk, simply because that makes the title mean something. If a champion can beat off different challengers, not only does it make the champ look good, it also gives the title value, as less people hold it over a period of time.
And thus ends our little trip through fantasy land. I'll no doubt be spending some time looking through the archives to try and find another storyline that I think I can improve upon, but until then, insert your favourite closing statement here.
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